HINTS ON HOW TO BE A BETTER DRIVER
According to my slightly warped mind
- PAY ATTENTION! Don't talk to your friend in the back seat, gawk
at somebody along the road, put on your makeup, shave, masturbate, etc.
- Look ahead. Look way up the road once in a while to see what's coming.
- Use your mirrors. Look in the rear view and side mirrors often, ESPECIALLY when your in a lot of traffic.
- Check your blind spot when changing lanes. This has saved me from side-swiping someone several times.
- Be patient. Don't speed on heavily traveled roads or in any sort of
populated area and if you're in traffic remember that getting pissed isn't going
to get you there any faster.
- DON'T PANIC!
Not so seriously...
How to drive like an idiot.
- Every chance you get, peel out, burn rubber, squeel those tires, etc.
This definitely impresses everyone and makes you look much cooler.
- Lean WAY back in the seat and as far toward the center of the interior as
possible. This may be uncomfortable as hell and you may have to get platform shoes to reach the pedals, but you'll look like such a mack.
- Rev the engine! Brooooom Broooom!
- Play the worst possible dance music as loud as you can with all the windows open and drive up and down the same "strip" at least ten times. Sure to attract
- Drive REALLY fast through neighborhoods and towns where there are a LOT of
poeple and kids. If you're lucky enough to run someone over, you'll REALLY have a cool story to tell your friends.
- Weave in and out of traffic and cut people off on the highway. Rear view mirrors are just for show. Don't use them!
- Stop in the middle of the road to talk to your buddy on the sidewalk. Don't worry about the traffic you're holding up. They'll understand.
Cool things to do to your car
- One word: NEON!
- Get wheels and tires that stick WAY out of the wheel wells. If you can get
the whole tire completely outside the car it's EXTRA cool.
- Lower it as MUCH as possible. You don't need suspension. Get rid of those Springs and shocks. It'll ride much better and the sparks coming out from under the car are SURE to impress.
- Get the BIGGEST wing you can find. The cheaper, slower, and uglier the car it's going on, the better.
- Put some corny saying at the top of the windshield. "FEAR THIS" and "FEAR ME" are two very popular idiot markers.....errrrr.....I mean enhancements.
- Get a licence plate frame indicating that you'd "Rather be smoking" or something of the sort.
- Put one of those BIG Logo stickers in the back window indicating the make of your car, just in case people aren't sure.
- Paint the car a nice pastel, or even better, put some of those "splashes" down the side.
- One more word: ANTENNAS! The more the better,and if you're lucky enough to be on an ambulance squad or a volunteer fireman, get BIG flashing lights for the roof.
If you have anything you think I should add, email me.
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